When 4-year-old Brayden and 8-year-old Elodie’s mum Amy died after being ill for some time, dad Liam was concerned about the different ways they were each affected by grief. HOLG helped him and the children to express and understand their feelings.

“I met Amy in my local pub in Gravesend in 2010, when I was in my mid-twenties. I just heard this girl laughing; she held court and everyone fell for her straight away so I summoned up the courage to ask her to add her number to my phone, which she did. I realised later that night that the number she’d put in my phone was 118118 – but she did actually leave her real number with someone in the pub for me. That was very much her sense of humour!

“We got together and she became the love of my life. I was her person and she was mine. Our daughter Elodie arrived in May 2015 and Brayden in July 2019. We had an incredibly happy nine years together full of laughter and lots of fun holidays.

“Amy was affected by trauma earlier in her life – in her twenties, her fiancé died of leukaemia and just six months later, her dad died too. But she always masked it with humour.

Above – Liam, Amy and Elodie not long before Brayden was born

Amy’s illness
“After Brayden was born, she began experiencing hip pain and was prescribed Tramadol. It’s a very strong painkiller and she soon became addicted to it. Over time, her mental health declined and the previous trauma came to the surface. By October 2020 she was really struggling, so we decided to live apart so that the children wouldn’t see so much of the addiction and its effects. This was during Covid times, so isolation was also an issue; she also turned to alcohol.

Although we were apart, we still considered ourselves each other’s ‘person’ and I was always the first port of call when she needed help.

“The week before she died in October 2023, she felt really unwell and continued to feel unwell until the day she died. On that day, she had been  taken to hospital in an ambulance. By the time she arrived, she was in cardiac arrest – she was revived but died four hours later.  She was just 37 years old.

Expressing their grief
“Because of the children’s age difference, I had to break the news to Brayden and Elodie differently. Brayden knew mummy was poorly and when he asked why she died, I told him she was given the wrong medicine. With Elodie, her understanding was greater and I had to elaborate a little; she knew there were mental health issues and that they were exacerbated by the addiction.

“Elodie shut her grief away at first; she very much loved her mum but didn’t want to talk about her and would flee if anyone mentioned her. With Brayden, the grief was very different and came out in fits and starts – he would have outbursts where he would scream for his mum, for as much as an hour at a time sometimes.

“Coupled with this, I was pretty poor at my own grief management which I’d discovered a few years previously when my dad died in 2021. I threw myself into work and helping Amy at that time and it suppressed everything. I held it all in until around six weeks before Amy died, when I had a huge outburst – a breakdown really – and I had to take time off work. Weirdly, it was Amy who got me through that. She helped me understand what I was going through.

The kids were close to my dad, their grandad too – so after their mum died too, it was a double whammy for them with a prolonged period where nothing was as it should be.

By the time Amy’s funeral came, I was able to compose myself and just take a few deep breaths. 

 HOLG Clinical Lead, Debbie McSwiney explains, “Children express grief in many different ways depending on their age and understanding: anger, being withdrawn, outbursts, difficult behaviour or refusal to speak about the person who died. Every child will have their own way of coping but if they show ongoing issues such as fear, confusion, aggression, clinginess or problems with sleep and concentration, this could be a sign that they are struggling and need support. This can be similar for adults too, who often suppress their grief as a way of trying to avoid it – they need support with managing their feelings too, which can also help them better support their children.”

The bereavement weekend
Liam continues: “It was the kids’ school that put me in touch with HOLG, by which time Elodie was 10 and Brayden was 5. They were aware of what was going on and how the kids were struggling. Around 18 months after Amy died, they attended a bereavement support weekend which was great. Elodie was reluctant to go, she didn’t think she needed help, but when I picked them up, they both came out bouncing. Brayden was covered in paint and thought he’d just had a lovely day to play although he did tell me he cried once. A lot of tears came out for Elodie on the day which hadn’t really happened before. She said it was good and she’d enjoyed making all the crafts but she still didn’t really believe she needed it. I told her to wait and I’d tell her if I thought it had worked for her.

“Sure enough, over the coming weeks she would cry more often and started to talk about her mum – it made her realise it had helped her. She asks questions now, listens more and wants to find out funny stories about Amy. She’s much more emotional about it all now and talks more. When I told her we were going to go to another HOLG event, a bereavement café, she didn’t even challenge it.

“Brayden is the opposite – because he was letting all his feelings out in the first place, he needed to do the opposite and now he’s much more able to manage his emotions. He doesn’t have outbursts as much.

“Elodie used to find it hard to go to ‘Mummy’s garden’ where Amy is buried but this year she asked to go – a big thing for her. Brayden used to ask but he would get upset – but he can now go there and kiss his hand and touch the gravestone.

“For me, the parent support group that ran alongside the children’s weekend was genius. Everyone there was at different stages of grief; some had had sudden losses, while mine was more of a slow burn. I realised how everyone’s journey is different. It also helped me see that getting upset and crying is important. The last time I cried was when my dad died in 2021. Other than that, it was rare for me to get upset so I had to change my mindset around that. So, I’ve not stopped myself, I’ve let the children see it.

“I also learned how I’d been using my day job skills to manage the situation with the children in quite a helpful way. I work in advertising and often deal with auditors; when it comes to direct questioning, it’s best to give factual answers rather than elaborate, which as a bit of a ‘talker’ I have to stop myself from doing. I learned from HOLG that this was the right approach with the children too – when they ask a difficult question about their mum, the best thing is to only give them as much information as they need, in an age-appropriate way and with compassion. It’s also important to try to be straight with them. I remember I once told Brayden that mum was ‘in the sky’. At a later date, we were going on holiday, and he asked if we would see her when were up high in the plane – I realised I might have confused him so instead I told him that actually, she’s everywhere and he only had to shout for mummy to hear him.

Debbie comments, “If you have a particular faith or religion, we encourage adults to draw on those beliefs to explain a death to a child. But, as adults, we often use euphemisms to try to soften the blow of bereavement for children and this can sometimes confuse children or cause fear – ‘Grandma fell asleep’ for example, can make a child worry that they might die when they go to sleep. Wherever possible, try to use factual but gentle language and phrases.”

Above – Amy with Brayden and Elodie

Remembering Amy
“We speak about Amy a lot and absolutely keep her memory alive. Brayden is a live wire, crazy and the class clown – just like Amy. Recently, he randomly started imitating accents to make us laugh and I told him, that’s just like your mum. Elodie understands and remembers more and more all the time. She talks about holidays we had before Brayden was born and asks about things her mum used to do. Elodie is incredibly emotionally mature and so like her mum in many ways. Amy used to worry that she might be prone to the same type of anxiety as her but the good thing is, we have learnt from Amy and HOLG, and feel like we’re in a great place in terms of mental health – it’s something we’re on top of. 

“The grief is always there with us – and it never goes away but we grow around it and learn to handle it. I don’t want the grief to go – because it’s about love and we’ve got to keep that. As they get older and understand more, I’ll tell them more. In fact, I wrote a book for them when Amy died called How I Met Your Mummy which I’ll give them when they’re about 16-18. It covers lots of lovely memories but also some of the bits that aren’t as nice to read but which they might have questions about when they’re older.

“I want to honour Amy’s memory. When Amy was ill, she said if she got better, she really wanted to be able to help people in similar situations to her. Even if just one person reads this story and gets in touch with HOLG then this is my way of doing that for her.”

If after reading Liam’s story, you think we can help you, please get in touch. Our support includes telephone and video support, one-to-one sessions, bereavement support weekends, as well as parent support groups  and bereavement cafés which are offered once we’ve seen a family for support.

You can make a referral for a child here.

We also have a list of recommended books which you might find helpful for explaining death and grief to children of different ages.