Carly’s son Edward was just 6 years old when his dad Andy died suddenly at the age of 47. She tells us how HOLG helped her to understand and help Edward through his grief, while also managing her own sadness and emotions at the loss of her husband.

“My husband Andy died on 30^th December 2023. It was sudden, he wasn’t ill, aside from feeling a little unwell in the week prior. He had a massive heart attack on the sofa at home in front of Edward and me. Edward helped me to get Andy onto the floor so I could perform CPR while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. Sadly, the heart attack caused a big hole in his heart and he passed away that same day in hospital.

“Edward was almost 7 at the time; he’d never experienced bereavement before and this was the first time anyone he knew had died. He was at home with my mum while I was at the hospital with my dad and Andy’s mum. I had to come home that night and tell him that his Daddy had died and he’s not coming home. He didn’t really react when I told him; he just stared at me and went really quiet.

“We stayed with my parents that night and as soon as we were alone, he asked me what would happen to him when I died. He’s a very thoughtful boy and can retreat within himself. This made him realise that people can die and he was worried about what might happen to him.”

The question Edward asked is a very common one when a child experiences the loss of a parent. It’s quite simple in their world – if it has happened once, it can happen again. HOLG Clinical lead Debbie McSwiney, says: “Children can feel anxious and worried following the death of someone close to them, their world can feel like it’s been turned upside down, especially when the death is sudden and unexpected with no time to prepare them.

“Children have a natural curiosity about life and death and will cope better with honest, open conversation, keeping the language simple and age appropriate. Explain that it’s a natural part of life — all living things, like people, animals, and plants, are born, live their lives, and eventually die. It’s how the circle of life works. Let them know that when people feel unwell, they usually go to the doctor, who does their best to help them get better. But sometimes, even doctors can’t fix everything, and sadly, that person might die. Reassure your child by letting them know that you’re healthy right now, and if you ever felt unwell, you’d go to the doctor. You can also comfort them by gently explaining that, just in case something ever did happen to you, you’ve made sure they would be looked after by someone who loves them, like a grandparent, aunt, or uncle. This can help them feel safer and less worried.”

Above – Andy, Carly & Edward

The funeral

Carly continues: “I didn’t really know what to do when it came to the funeral but I thought of a friend of a friend whose dad died when she was young – she wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral and all these years later at the age of 60, she still struggles with that. I knew I wanted to give Edward the option – he is a bright boy and he’s always known what he wants to do, so I explained what a funeral was and asked if he wanted to go. He asked if his cousins were going to be there, which they were, so he decided to go. I’m glad I gave him the choice.”

Deciding whether a child should attend a funeral can be a difficult and emotional choice. Every family is different, but when possible, it’s often helpful to give children the option, along with gentle guidance, so they can be part of the goodbye in their own way. Debbie advises explaining as much as possible to a child about what might be included on the day. Depending on the type of funeral this might include speeches about the person, singing, prayers, family and friends being sad or crying, as well as smiling and laughing at happy memories. Preparing them for what they might see, such as a coffin, cremation or burial can help ease confusion or fear.

If a child does not attend a funeral, there are lots of ways they can still feel included, such as writing a card or letter for the person who has died, listening to the person’s favourite music on the day, visiting a favourite place they shared with them, or taking a special message or flowers to the grave after the funeral, or where the ashes have been scattered.

Life after the funeral

“In the early days and months after, I was just running on adrenaline, it was all a daze. I just focused on Edward and tried to keep myself going for him. Having him to look after kept me out of the depths. I started to become concerned about how little he was showing his grief – I was distraught, but he seemed ok. I wondered what was going on with him and whether he was holding it all in. So I started to research around what I could do to support him and that’s when I came across HOLG.

“My first interaction with HOLG was a letter explaining what they do and the services they offer. I then quickly got a phone call offering Edward a place on a bereavement weekend in the July, seven months after his dad’s death. Edward wanted to know more about what it would involve and I think I remember that someone at HOLG told me how to explain it to him – that he would meet other children who also had a loved one who had died. This was important to me because I was concerned that he felt alone among his school friends because they all had their dads and he would see them picking them up from school. It felt important for him to meet other bereaved children and understand he was not the only child this had happened to.”

Debbie adds, “It’s common for bereaved children to feel they are the only one whose loved one has died. At our bereavement weekends, they can play, talk and chat with other children who are also missing someone. They might not discuss their bereavement directly with each other but just knowing they have that shared experience can be comforting and ease feelings of being alone.”

Carly continues, “While Edward was at the bereavement weekend, I went to the parent & carer support group. It was a nice experience; I’d been so worried, thinking ‘Are we going to have this big, epic problem later in life?’ but it helped me to start to understand his grief. I remember they used a ‘puddle jumping’ analogy, explaining that children jump in and out of their puddle of grief – one minute they’re crying and the next they’re asking ‘What’s for tea?’ I recognised that was what Edward was doing and it was just so calming to know that was normal – it made me feel more relaxed.

“After the weekend, he came home with all the craft pieces he had made and I’d made some at the support group too. There was a little jar we’d each made with salt and chalk layers – each layer represents a different feeling or memory, and it was lovely for us to compare them.  It really helped to open up conversations for us.

Showing grief

“Talking through what happened at the support group, as well as in some separate counselling sessions I’ve been having, has made me realise that while I was so concerned about Edward, I’d put my own grief aside. One particular fear I had was of making the wailing noise I made when Andy first died – I wouldn’t want to do that in front of Edward and scare him, so I used to take myself away and hide. But I feel like I’ve moved past that stage and I understand his grief more, which in turn has allowed me to grieve. It’s made my approach different – I’m not scared of my grief and I know it’s OK to cry in front of him and for him to feel sad and cry too.

“It’s still very early days for us and we’re in the ‘take it as it comes’ phase but Edward has gone from hardly mentioning Andy to talking about him more frequently. Even today, he mentioned something he’d remembered that they’d done together. He’s starting to find it easier to talk about things.

“This is our year of ‘seconds’ in terms of anniversaries and events like Christmas and birthdays. We haven’t really got into any sort of routine on these days but on Father’s Day, we went to the cemetery where Andy’s ashes are, and we do things like paint rocks and take them with us.

“Edward’s school has been good. They have a Teaching Assistant who is trained in bereavement and she has spent time with him, and they’ve done activities such as filling out a book about his dad. There was one day where he just couldn’t stop crying – I’m not sure if it was about Andy but I suspect it was – and they were able to take him off and look after him.

“I’m still in touch with HOLG and in regular contact with Dawn, the Parent Carer Group Facilitator. I also go to the bereavement cafés. There are some other people there who have lost their husbands and it’s just nice to have a cup of tea with people who know what I’m going through without having to explain it. Edward enjoys it too as he gets to play with other children – he was particularly pleased recently to  play badminton with one of the older boys there. We will continue to go for the foreseeable future; it just gives us a space to be with others who understand.

“I would wholeheartedly recommend HOLG. They offer that reassurance when you’re just feeling so anxious as a parent.  When you’re grieving, you just want to protect your child, so it was such a relief to have someone who knows about childhood grief who could spend time with him – the bereavement weekend felt like it was where he needed to be. When Edward was there, he didn’t even realise that someone was ‘checking him out’, as such, he just had a lovely day. To be honest, I did too because when someone dies, you don’t stop, there is so much to organise and do and it’s just nice to know your child is safe and being cared for.”

If you know a child, like Carly’s son, who has experienced a bereavement and think we can help you, please get in touch. Our support ranges from telephone and video support, one-to-one sessions, bereavement weekends as well as parent support groups alongside, and bereavement cafés which are offered post referral. You can make a referral for a child here.

We also have a list of recommended books which you might find helpful for explaining death and grief to children of different ages.